SJ DiariesWay For Love
by nobodylovesme03
Summary: Leeteuk and Hechul have always had petty arguments with each other.Leeteuk tries so hard to prevent this but Han Geng's mistranslated interview led to another fight between them.*
1. Chapter 1

**Heechul's March 5, 2011**

There was a sudden pain on my left cheek. I lost the strength to continue singing and just clutched my face instead. I waited for the pain to subside, but it didn't. Instead, it was becoming more and more painful by every second so I finally decided to leave the stage and get someone to treat me. As I headed for the backstage, I passed by Leeteuk-ssi. He saw me. He knew I was hurt, but he just spared me a glance and then went on performing as if I wasn't there. What did I expect anyway? He had always been like that. He plays this loving role of a leader who takes care of everyone but me. I bet he wouldn't cry a single tear if I were to die right then and there.

A staff ran to me as soon as he saw me clutching my face.

"Omo! Heechul-ssi! What happened to you?" He was yelling and almost everyone else at the backstage gathered around me. The others were either getting some ice and first aid kit or were calling a few more others for help. "What happened?" "Omo! You're bleeding!" "Who the hell did that?"

Everyone was panicking that it started to scare me. It wasn't serious, right? It was just a scratch, why did they have to make a big fuss? My wound was already treated with an ointment, but everyone still looked as if a disaster had happened. I felt as if that scratch would forever be on my face and I'll be ugly forever. It was silly but I couldn't help but get scared. My face was beautiful and my skin was perfect, I know that much. That's why it was really frustrating to think that it's all ruined in a single night.

The other members came in. Sungminnie immediately ran to me and asked how I was feeling. I couldn't utter a single word. Kyuhyun-ssi followed right behind him, but didn't speak. Soon, Siwonnie and Hyukkie were also by my side, asking if I was okay. Shindong-ssi and the others were on their way to me when Eeeteuk-ssi suddenly clapped his hands and said in a loud voice, "Everyone, that's enough! It's just a scratch, he's not gonna die from it. Those who are up for the next number, prepare right away. We still have a show here!"

Although what he said was pretty much what I wanted to tell the others, it was like a knife that cut me in half when it came from him. How can he always make me feel like I'm never an important person? If it was Wookie, I'm sure he'd run to his side and hug him tight to stop him from crying.

After they had gone back to perform, I was brought to a nearby hospital and was given proper treatment. The pain had already subsided but I didn't dare to go back to perform. I knew I'd just be a stupid prima donna and spoil the show. I was too upset to even bother calling them to tell them I'm okay. Leeteuk-ssi probably already told them not to worry anyway. I sighed, throwing myself at my bed. I felt a slight pain as my face hit one of the pillows. Why does my life suck?

Why, of all people, did I have to share a room with Leeteuk-ssi? Why do the other members have their own bestfriends that they want to share a room with and I'm stuck with the leader who wouldn't even give a damn about me? I know I was being unreasonable, but I hated him for saying those things. I didn't feel a single bit of sympathy from him. If only Hankyung-ssi was still with us, I wouldn't have any problem.

Eeteuk-ssi entered the room, with the other eight members behind him. He went straight to the bathroom while the others sat beside me on my bed.

"We were worried because you didn't come back," Siwonnie said. I wanted to smile, but seeing all those worried faces just couldn't make me feel comfortable.

"I'm fine. It stings a little but it's far from serious," I replied bluntly.

"Are you angry? Hyung, you know it was an accident, right?" Sungmin-ssi snuggled beside me.

"I know. I'm not angry. I wish they'd stop throwing things at us though."

"Oh! But I like the things that they give us! Maybe we can just tell them not to throw hard things!" Donghae reasoned out like a child. I wouldn't be surprised. He's the one who always gets cute stuff thrown at him, mostly shirts and fish plush toys.

I snorted. Everyone probably knew I wasn't in a good mood to discuss things, so no one argued when Shindong-ssi told them to let me rest already. They just left when Eeteuk-ssi just finished bathing.

"They left already?"

"No, they're still here. You can see them, right?" I rolled my eyes as I lied down on my bed. I didn't really want to talk to him, and for some reason, I found it awkward to even look at him. I heard him sigh.

"Sleep well then," he said. Something snapped inside of me. _Was that really all that he had to say? After all these freakin' five years, did he not even learn to care for me?_

I sat up and stared at him with rage. "Well, _thank you!_ I really appreciate your concern!" He stared back at me. At first he seemed calm, but then he seemed to get angrier everytime I answer him.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh, wow! I just got hit by a fan and my face is wounded! Nothing is wrong with me!"

"Chullie-ah! Enough with the sarcasm already! I'm tired and I don't want to fight with you," he said, slightly raising his voice.

I grunted. "Sure, you'd be tired! You kept the whole show going! Congratulations!" I knew I was being really selfish, but something inside me just won't let me calm down. I hated him.

"What did you want me to do? Stop the concert just because you got a scratch? Chullie-ah! You know better than that!" He walked towards my bed and stared at me angrily.

"You could've at least stopped and helped me!" I was so angry that I wanted to cry, but hell Kim Heechul would never cry because of this guy! Never!

"Chullie-ah! The other members didn't see what happened. If I ran to your side that very moment, they would've noticed and everyone else would do the same. We can't just stop a performance for that."

"Then how about backstage? You didn't even approach me backstage? You wouldn't even let the others help me!"

"Geez! Kim Heechul! Stop it already! The other members were just worried about you, but in reality, they wouldn't have been able to do anything! They'd just stand there and keep asking you if you're okay! What you needed was proper treatment and we could not have gone with you because that would mean stopping the whole show! I didn't push through with it just to perform. I'm not as hungry for the limelight as you are! I did that because stopping the show would worry not just the members but also the fans! Especially that girl who threw that thing to you! Besides, Super Junior would surely be on the news for being so unprofessional over such a small thing!"

Everything he said was right, but I still couldn't forgive him. He had the chance to ask me how I was doing when they got back to the hotel, but he went straight to the bathroom instead. And even after that, all he said was _sleep well? _"That," I said sharply, "doesn't excuse you for being such a stupid leader!" I pulled my blanket over my head and lied down again. I hate him! I hate Park Jungsu!

He didn't say another word. I guess he just went to his bed and took some rest. He said he was tired after all. I clenched my fist. I went too far. Jungsoo is a good and responsible leader, but that's what annoys me so much. He cares for everyone so much that he wouldn't hesitate to hurt me just so he could protect everyone else. He's always thinking of "the other members" or the fans or the media and Super Junior's reputation. Seriously! Everyone thinks he's a perfect leader but I really hate him!

**Leeteuk's March 5, 2011**

I was stricken with horror as I saw Heechul-ssi got hit by a fanboard. He bowed down and clutched his face. He was in real pain. I looked at the other members, only Shindong-ssi seemed to have noticed what happened. Heenim decided to leave the stage and ask for help. I walked towards him, but then I saw his face. He still looked calm despite the fact that he's in pain. If I stopped singing and go with him, he'd surely panic and get scared. Kim Heechul wouldn't give a damn on something if no one cares about it. If everyone crowds over him, he'd get scared and then act like a brat to hide his fear and panic. It was his defence mechanism to hide his weaknesses.

I stared at him as he passed by me. I couldn't do anything. If all the other fans notice what happened, they'd surely gang up on the girl who threw the board, whom by the way was already being harassed by the ones around her.

As I expected, everyone gathered around Heenim at the backstage. He had this annoyed look in his face as he waited for the manager who would take him to the nearby hospital. That is just like Kim Heechul, yelling at one of the staff to get him more water.

"Everyone, that's enough! It's just a scratch, he's not gonna die from it. Those who are up for the next number, prepare right away. We still have a show here!" I yelled when I noticed the other members were on their way to where he was. It was a bit cold of me, but it was the right thing to do. Keeping on asking him if he was hurt or how he felt would be of no use when there's obviously nothing that anyone could do.

I went on performing with the others. All of us were obviously worried about Heenim, but we tried our best to hide it from the fans. Heenim was gone when we went back. I called manager-hyung right away and asked how he was.

"He's fine. Just a minor scratch. I'll take him back to the hotel before I go back there," he said.

I sighed in relief. Well, surely, Kim Heechul would act like a little brat for a few days because of this, but at least he wasn't seriously hurt.

He was on his bed when we entered our room. I knew he was tired and upset, so I didn't want to stress him out but the others insisted on coming with me to check what he was doing. I went straight to the bathroom and took a bath. Kim Heechul was probably not in the mood to talk to anyone, so I didn't really expect the other members to stay for long.

"They left already?" It was a pretty stupid question, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I may be the leader and the one who speaks the most, but despite my MC skills, I was never really good at situations like this. Serious conversations were never my forte.

"No, they're still here. You can see them, right?"

I shouldn't have been surprised. Firstly, he must have been so upset with what happened. He must also be so tired and lastly, he might have been really angry at me for being so mean to him.

"Sleep well then," I said. He then shot up and threw me an angry look.

"Well, _thank you!_ I really appreciate your concern!"

I looked straight into his eyes. I knew I must have done something to upset him, but everything I did so far was for everyone. I was just being careful.

"What's wrong with you?" '_why are you always like this?'_ was what I really wanted to ask. I was seriously getting tired of all his drama. He'd always be like this every single time.

"Oh, wow! I just got hit by a fan and my face is wounded! Nothing is wrong with me!"

"Chullie-ah! Enough with the sarcasm already! I'm tired and I don't want to fight with you," I yelled. I wish he'd just stop for a while and think of the people around him.

"Sure, you'd be tired! You kept the whole show going! Congratulations!" That was just it. He was really getting into my nerves! Even if we have been together for five years already, I just can't get used to his damn attitude!

"What did you want me to do? Stop the concert just because you got a scratch? Chullie-ah! You know better than that!" Kim Heechul had always been good at handling delicate situations. He always says whatever's on his mind so he gets a lot of both positive and negative feedbacks from the public, but then he always finds a way to get things fixed. I am not like that. If I mess things up, it's hard for me to fix them so I try my best not to do anything wrong.

"You could've at least stopped and helped me!"

"Chullie-ah! The other members didn't see what happened. If I ran to your side that very moment, they would've noticed and everyone else would do the same. We can't just stop a performance for that." I didn't even know why I had to explain myself. Heechul-ssi was just being Kim Heechul. I shouldn't really bother.

"Then how about backstage? You didn't even approach me backstage? You wouldn't even let the others help me!"

"Geez! Kim Heechul! Stop it already! The other members were just worried about you, but in reality, they wouldn't have been able to do anything! They'd just stand there and keep asking you if you're okay! What you needed was proper treatment and we could not have gone with you because that would mean stopping the whole show! I didn't push through with it just to perform. I'm not as hungry for the limelight as you are! I did that because stopping the show would worry not just the members but also the fans! Especially that girl who threw that thing to you! Besides, Super Junior would surely be on the news for being so unprofessional over such a small thing!"

"That," he said sharply, "doesn't excuse you for being such a stupid leader!" He pulled his blanket over and lied down, not throwing me another look. I froze. His words kept on ringing over and over in my head. Did I really deserve that? Was I really being stupid, or was it just one of his petty urges to keep everyone's attention fixed on him?

_Damn you, Kim Heechul. Maybe I was stupid for keeping you in the group even after you decided to leave us. I was stupid for accepting you again with arms wide open. Call me stupid. I'd even let you think I'm the worst leader of all, but I won't regret that. And I hope you wouldn't as well._


	2. Chapter 2

**Heechul's March 6, 2011**

Leeteuk-ssi woke me up an hour before we had to check out. I hurriedly stood up, grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom, shouting, "Why didn't you wake me up earlier? Don't you know it'd take longer for me to bath because of my wound?" I knew I was at fault for not being able to wake up on my own, but he should've thought I couldn't rush taking a bath. My bruise would definitely hurt when I wash it. "Next time we go abroad, remind me to get a different room from yours!" I'd rather go solo than fight with him everytime.

It was time for us to go, but I hadn't finished packing yet. Leeteuk-ssi opened the door and looked if the other members were waiting outside. Henry-ssi passed by, carrying two large bags that for goodness' sake seemed too heavy for him. He was also carrying his violin case under his arm.

"The others are waiting at the van already. Only five of us are left here," he answered when Eeteuk-ssi asked him. Sungmin-ssi and Kyuhyun-ssi then came out of their rooms and stopped by at our doorstep.

"Why can't you learn how to travel light? You don't need to bring your whole house when we travel, you know?" Leeteuk-ssi took one of Henry's bags and carried it for him, which leaves the younger with his backpack and his violin case while Eeteuk-ssi had his own backpack and Henry's bag hung on his shoulder. Henry-ssi smiled and thanked him.

I scowled. I hate it when everyone thinks he's so nice and perfect when he's so mean to me. I dumped my clothes inside my bag, but they wouldn't seem to fit. I couldn't close it.

Eeteuk-ssi sighed and said, "If you'd just stop sulking and calm down for a minute, you'd get it done."

I glared at him. "If you'd just stop nagging and just help me, we could've left ages ago."

Sungmin-ssi sighed and entered our room. He took my bag, pulled out my clothes and folded them properly before putting them back. "If you two would just stop fighting, we would all be very happy."

Leeteuk-ssi rolled his eyes and turned to Henry, urging the younger to walk on. I grabbed my bag and walked outside with Sungmin-ssi and Kyuhyun-ssi. I didn't speak to Eeteuk-ssi for the rest of the day. I didn't even want to see his face. I just went straight to my room and didn't even come down for dinner. Thank goodness Donghae-ssi brought me dinner. I was starving to death!

**March 12, 2011**

The days that followed weren't really any different. Jungsoo and I would fight over the smallest things. It has become a daily routine that the other members have prepared themselves to pull us away from each other whenever the fight heats up. I realized that my hate for him is growing more and more each day as everything he says or does annoys me. I came home one night and saw him giving chocolates to Shindong-ssi and Donghae-ssi. When I asked for some, he said he didn't leave anything for me because he thought I'd come home late.

"You could've at least spared me a bar and kept it in the fridge!"

In the end, Donghae-ssi offered me what was left of his, but I didn't accept. It wasn't because I wanted those chocolates. It's the fact that nobody thought about me that pisses me off.

The next day, I woke up early and played some music because I was bored. Jungsoo stormed into my room and scolded me saying everyone else was still sleeping. The music wasn't really so loud, and I thought it wasn't really disturbing anyone but he kept on scolding me so I lost my temper again. We almost got as far as hitting each other's face if Shindong-ssi and Donghae-ssi didn't come in time.

**March 15, 2011**

I was really tired from work. I saw Jungsoo as I came out of the elevator and something told me I shouldn't get in the same room with him. I had a feeling that we'd get into another fight. Unfortunately, I was starving and Ryeowook-ssi cooked dinner. After changing my clothes, I decided to go downstairs and eat with the rest of the members. I took a deep breath as I sat down, telling myself to calm down. _Don't bother yourself with anything. You're too tired to fight with him tonight. Just don't look at him and don't listen to anything he says._

It didn't work. I shouldn't have shown up after all.

After eating, I stood up to get some fruits. Eunhyuk-ssi accidentally took my cup instead of his. He drank my coffee which I purposely left aside until it cools down a bit. Apparently, it was too hot for him. He turned his head and was probably intending to spit on the floor but then spat on my hand instead. I yelped as the hot coffee touched my skin. Sungmin-ssi and Ryeowook-ssi immediately grabbed some ice and wrapped them in a piece of cloth. They ran to my side and pressed it on my hand.

"You idiot! What did you do that for?" I yelled at Eunhyuk-ssi, who was then staring at me wildly. He was at the verge of crying.

"I—I'm sorry hyung! I'm really sorry!" He bowed his head and repeatedly apologized, begging me for forgiveness.

"Will your apology heal my hand, huh? Seriously!" I really wanted to hit him. In fact, I was on the act of slapping his face but then I thought I couldn't really hit him so I just took the ice from Ryeowook-ssi and pressed it on my hand. "Can't you even tell which cup is yours and which is not?"

"Chullie-ahh, that's enough." He was staring at me sharply. Dammit! Here goes the good old leader again! I couldn't help but answer back.

"What? You're going to scold me instead of him?"

"It's an accident. He didn't mean it," he said bluntly. I gasped and rolled my eyes. I was the one who got hurt and I'd still be the one to get scolded?

"Dammit, Park Jungsoo! Is it my fault then? Is it my fault that he's so stupid to take my cup and burn my hand, huh?"

Eeteuk-ssi stood up. "I didn't say it was your fault. I'm just saying he didn't mean it so let it pass. For goodness' sake, Chullie! Would you please just let this pass?"

"Yah, both of you, calm down. We're still eating here. Fighting over this wouldn't help anyone, so please," Shindong-ssi said. I glared at him, and then at Eeteuk-ssi.

"Yah, Park Jungsoo! If I accidentally throw coffee to your face, would you just let it pass?"

He walked towards me and took the cup from the table. "That's very unlikely, because if that happens, I'm sure you'd do it on purpose." He raised the cup and handed it over, but I didn't take it.

"Hah! You think I'd really do that? Dammit, Park Jungsoo!" I threw the ice pack at the table and walked out, making sure to slam the door behind me. I went straight to my room and threw myself at my bed.

"Aaaarrgggh! That man! I hate him!"

There was a knock on the door. I didn't answer. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to talk to anyone. After a few seconds, Donghae-ssi opened the door and came in. He brought a first aid kit with him.

"Hyung, I'm coming in," he said. I looked at him, still lying on my bed. "There's really no need to tell me since you've already entered," I scowled. He sat on my bed and took my hand.

"It's not really serious, hyung. It just turned red, but I'm sure it'll disappear by tomorrow," he said as he started putting ointment on my hand. I didn't say a word. I just stared at him and waited for him to speak. He didn't. He just smiled and quietly treated my hand.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

He laughed. "If I say anything, I'm sure you'd throw me out."

I smirked. He was right. "Well at least you know me well enough! That Park Jungsoo! He's such a scum!" I sat up and pulled my hand away from him. "Yah! You know I wouldn't really hurt Hyukkie, right? I yell a lot, and I may have been really angry that time, but I wouldn't hurt him! It's not like I'd stay mad at him for weeks anyway!"

Donghae-ssi smiled as he placed the ointment back in the kit. He still didn't answer so I glared at him. "Yah! You can talk now! It's not like I'm talking to the walls of my room, am I?"

"I'm sure Teukkie-hyung also knew that. I think he just doesn't want you to yell at Hyukkie in front of everyone or something like that."

"Would yelling hurt him? Huh? For Heaven's sake! I got a bruise on my face and he's worried about the fan who caused it! Now I got my hand burned and he's worried about Hyukkie? Seriously!"

"Heechul-hyung, can I be honest? Would you listen to me?" I looked at him. His eyes looked so innocent and earnest. I knew he was going to say something to defend Jungsoo, but he was being so nice to me that I couldn't bear to cut him off.

"I think you can handle whatever happens to you. We know how strong you are, hyung. We know a small bruise on your face can't take you down, but the girl who caused it must probably be so guilty to death even now. When Hyukkie spat the coffee on your hand, did you see the look in his eyes? He was so scared of you. Maybe Eeteuk-hyung was afraid you'd make Hyukkie cry again."

"You think I don't know that? I'm not asking him to be a bad leader or a bad hyung to you guys! But what does he want me to do? Don't I have the right to feel angry? Tell me, Lee Donghae! Don't I have the right to yell? You guys have been with me for years already and you still can't accept how I am?"

"After five years, I think most of us have gotten used to your attitude, hyung,. We accept you the way you are but that doesn't mean there's nothing that we would like to change."

Just then, there was another knock on the door. It was Hyukkie. He opened the door slightly and peeked inside. "Heechul-hyung," he said, his head bowed down as low as possible. "I'm really sorry."

I hissed. I didn't think he'd come to see me so soon, considering how scared he was. I felt better though, at least I knew that he really didn't want me to be angry.

"When you apologize, you have to look the person in the eye. Don't you know that, Lee Hyukjae? How can you talk to me properly when you're hiding behind that door?"

He had a nervous smile as he entered the room. He then knelt beside my bed and started apologizing again. I said okay already but he still wouldn't stop.

"Ayyshh! Lee Hyukjae! That's enough. I'm not angry anymore. If I hear another apology from you, I'm kicking you out." He stared at me in shock, and then looked at Donghae-ssi, who then nodded.

It was quite unusual for me to let things pass easily, but I guess my anger for Park Jungsoo took away all my will to be angry at Hyukjae-ssi. I sighed. When I became a member of Super Junior, I admired Jungsoo for his great leadership skills. He had a good heart and he cares for everyone. The problem was, as time passed by and we became more famous, he started to treat me differently. It was like he's always protecting the other members but he leaves me to stand on my own.

It's not that I want him to protect me. I don't need anyone to protect me. I know it's also difficult for him to handle such a big group.. It's just that I really wonder why it has to be me. Why does he have to treat me differently than the way he treats the others? I couldn't help but think that he has some hidden grudges for me, or maybe he's jealous or something. Maybe he's intimidated by me. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that I have the guts to leave Super Junior anytime I want because I know I can do anything alone. I almost did that. I really thought I was going to leave, but then I realized I wasn't just losing an idol group. I was also losing my family. Back then I thought he gave me that cold treatment because he was angry, but years have passed and I stayed with them. I don't see any reason for him to be like this. I really don't understand him. And I hate anything that I don't understand. ~~~

Donghae-ssi stood up and pulled Hyukkie with him. "We're going now, hyung. Take a good rest." They then walked towards the door. He then looked at me and smiled weakly before pushing Hyukkie out.

"Think about it, hyung. If there's nothing you want to change in yourself, we'd be happy for you. We love you for being Kim Heechul, but I hope you'd also accept how the rest of us are. That is just how he is as a leader, and we also love him for that. I hope you guys fix things soon," he said before he closed the door.

I sighed. Everything he said was right. I felt a bit guilty for acting the way I did. If Jungsoo would just talk to me calmly like the way Hae did, then we wouldn't fight so often! It's not my fault that he's always so cranky!

**Leeteuk's March 6, 2011**

I woke up early and made sure I didn't forget to pack anything. I didn't bother to wake Heechul-ssi up because I thought he needed some more rest. After an hour, however, he still hadn't woken up and I noticed that he hadn't packed his things up yet. I tapped his shoulders and coaxed him out of bed. "Chullie-ahh, wake up already. We have to go in a while now."

He didn't want to get up at first, but when I told him we'd be leaving in an hour, he shot up and got mad at me. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier? Don't you know it'd take longer for me to bath because of my wound? Next time we go abroad, remind me to get a different room from yours!"

I sighed as he stormed to the bathroom. Geez! I was trying to be kind even after what he said the previous night and this is still what I get! I know I should just try to understand him because he doesn't really mean anything he says when he's upset, but it's getting more and more difficult to deal with him. Everything he says would pierce right through my every flesh and bone.~~~

I opened the door to see if the others were waiting at the corridor. Henry-ssi just got out of his room. Sungmin-ssi and Kyuhyun-ssi came out soon after.

"Why can't you learn how to travel light? You don't need to bring your whole house when we travel, you know?" I took one of Henry-ssi's bags and hang it on my shoulder. If he kept on carrying luggage that's for goodness' sake was almost twice as heavy as him, he'd break his shoulder!

Chullie grunted, still unable to fit his things in his bag. "If you'd just stop sulking and calm down for a minute, you'd get it done." I wished he would relax for a bit and forget what happened in the concert. He seemed like his frustration was getting the best of him.

"If you'd just stop nagging and just help me, we could've left ages ago," he glared. I would've gone to help him, but I couldn't put Henry's bag down. Sungmin-ssi then went inside and helped him.

"If you two would just stop fighting, we would all be very happy."

I didn't say another word. Sungmin-ssi was right. We should stop fighting. I urged Henry-ssi to go as soon as everything was set. I decided not to talk to Heechul-ssi for the rest of the day. He needed some time to cool off, and so did I. I knew that if he says another unkind word to me, I'd also explode. Being an understanding leader doesn't mean I don't get tired and hurt. I was worried when he didn't show up for dinner though. I didn't really wanna see him, but I thought he needed to eat, so I told Donghae-ssi to bring him some food.

**March 12, 2011**

I shouldn't have said something I couldn't do. It was hard not to fight with Chullie when he'd flare up at about anything I do. I tried to keep quiet but he's really provocative! My patience was running short and I was starting to really dislike everything he does. One time, a staff in SuKiRa gave us a chocolate treat. I decided to bring some to the dorm. Chullie wasn't home yet when I gave it out to the members. I thought I'd keep some for him but then I remembered he'd been complaining about toothache the previous day. Chocolates would be bad for him. When he came home, he got mad because I didn't leave something for him.

"You could've at least spared me a bar and kept it in the fridge!" I was about to explain but then he added, "You selfish scum!" My heart sank again. So I'm the one being selfish again?

Donghae-ssi then offered his chocolate but he refused it. I realized he wasn't acting up because he wanted chocolates. He was just being a princess who wants attention. That's just him. I didn't know if I'd feel sad for him because he wants to be cared for so much or if I'd be angry because he's such an attention whore.

"Heechul-hyung sure is cranky today. He wouldn't speak much but he'd yell at any small thing that annoys him," Hyukkie said when we were watching TV as the living room. Chullie was up in his room.

"Let him be. He's just upset because of the bruise on his face. I'm sure he'll get over it soon enough."

"Speak for yourself, hyung! You're the one who keeps on fighting with him," said Kyuhyun-ssi.

"I'm just trying to keep him under control," I sighed.

"No, Eeteuk-hyung, I think Kyuhyun-ssi's right," said Sungmin-ssi. "You see, if it's Heenim-hyung, we know he's just being him. He's always like that but he's not really serious about anything. When you're the one shouting, we're not sure if you're really angry or not. I think that's why you always fight with him. Neither of you knows if you're really mad at each other or not."

"You're saying I should just shut my mouth and let him be?"

"Well that's what you told us, right? You want us to let him be so he won't get mad at us, but is it okay for you to do all the talking? You always end up fighting."

"Fine. I'll try not to scold him anymore." They're right. I was a bit embarrassed to be lectured on by my dongsaengs, but I have to admit, I'm not always right. I'm not a perfect leader and I have to listen to them sometimes.

The problem was no matter how hard I try, Kim Heechul always finds a way to make me lose control. I woke up the next day to his loud music. It was my day off and I really wanted to rest, but his noise kept me from going back to sleep. I knocked on his door and calmly told him to put it off. He refused, saying it's not that loud and I was the only one who complained anyway. I told him to at least turn the volume down a bit but he refused. I was really so sleepy and I felt so deprived of sleep that I flared up. If Donghae-ssi didn't hold me back in time, I could've really punched his beautiful face. In the end, I decided to go down to sleep in Hyukkie's room instead.

Another time, he accidentally slipped and almost fell on the floor. I cracked a little and he started nagging on how uncaring I was. Every little thing like that ends up in a fight. I was getting tired of it all. I thought it was just because of the bruise on his face, but weeks have passed already and he's still like that. I didn't know what to do anymore.

**March 15, 2011**

I had a bad day. I had a fight with my girlfriend. She said all I ever talked about was Heechul and his ill temper. She said she's getting sick of it already.

"Look, I like Heechul-ssi and the rest of Super Junior," she said. "But I don't understand how come you keep on saying you understand him and yet still end up ranting about every bad thing that he 're always complaining about his temper but most of the time, it's you who always runs short of patience. If you don't want to fight with him, then don't."

I sighed. "Try living with him for five years and let's see if you won't run out of patience." She's right though, but even so, I just can't do what she says. "Chullie's putting up a strong front. If I go around being too soft on him, I'll hurt his pride and things will be worse. He'd surely distance himself more and put up higher walls without even knowing it. His personality is so complicated that I really don't know how to deal with him."

"It's because you're over analyzing his actions. You're always saying he's a good person and he just doesn't want people to see how weak he is inside. If that's the case why don't you just show him that he doesn't need to pretend to be strong? If you embrace his weaknesses, you wouldn't fight this often and I wouldn't need to hear it it simply as he does. Sometimes I wonder why everything he says affect you so much. When it's Kangin-ssi or any of the other members, you wouldn't really put much thought into it," I froze when I heard that last sentence. _Why does Kim Heechul affect me so much?_

"Because he always says mean things to me!" It was a lie. All the other members are mean to me once in a while, but Heechul-ssi's words are always the ones which hurt the most. She knew that. She stood up and didn't say another word. She just kissed my forehead and left.

That night, Hyukkie accidentally spew hot coffee on his hand. Ryeowook-ssi immediately grabbed some ice to press on his burn. Sungmin-ssi and some of the others helped too. Chullie erupted and shouted at Eunhyuk-ssi. "You idiot! What did you do that for?"

"I—I'm sorry hyung! I'm really sorry!" Eunhyuk-ssi stared at him, tears piling up in the corners of his eyes. If Chullie doesn't calm down, Hyukkie's really going to cry and things between them will be awkward again. It's enough that our relationship isn't going too well; I didn't want him to fight with any of the other members as well.

"Will your apology heal my hand, huh? Seriously!" Chullie was about to slap Eunhyuk-ssi, but then he grabbed the ice pack from Ryeowook-ssi instead. I was a bit relieved that he controlled himself and didn't hurt his dongsaeng, but then he didn't stop there. "Can't you even tell which cup is yours and which is not?"

If he said another word, Eunhyuk-ssi would've really cried so I had to cut in. "Chullie-ahh, that's enough."

"What? You're going to scold me instead of him?"

"It's an accident. He didn't mean it," I said.

"Dammit, Park Jungsoo! Is it my fault then? Is it my fault that he's so stupid to take my cup and burn my hand, huh?" He glared at me. His temper has flared up again. There was nothing I could say to calm him anymore.

"I didn't say it was your fault. I'm just saying he didn't mean it so let it pass. For goodness' sake, Chullie! Would you please just let this pass?" I didn't mean to raise my voice. It just came up.

"Yah, both of you, calm down. We're still eating here. Fighting over this wouldn't help anyone, so please," Shindong-ssi said. Chullie-ahh glared at him, but then he turned to me again.

"Yah, Park Jungsoo! If I accidentally throw coffee to your face, would you just let it pass?"

I walked towards him and took the cup from the table. "That's very unlikely, because if that happens, I'm sure you'd do it on purpose." I handed the cup over to him. I knew I messed up again so I was willing to accept his anger. He didn't take it.

"Hah! You think I'd really do that? Dammit, Park Jungsoo!" There was a loud clinking sound as the ice pack hit the plates on the table. Chullie stormed out of the room and banged the door. I sighed. Hyukkie immediately stood up and hugged me.

"I'm sorry, hyung," he said. "And thank you. Don't worry, I'll go talk to him for you."

Donghae-ssi stood up and said, "No, I'll go first. You wait until he cools down a bit."

I patted Hyukkie's head. "It's okay, just finish your meal and rest." I stared at the others and bit my lip. They all looked worried. "I'm sorry, guys. I lost it again."

"Hyung, I think you should rest. Maybe you're too stressed with work and your fights with Heechul-hyung from the past weeks so your temper's a little off," Yesungie said. "Get some time off. If you want to transfer here for a while, then do so. I think it'll be better if you avoid getting in the same room for a while."

"Yeah, I guess that'll be good. But I'll talk to him first."


	3. Chapter 3

**Heechul's March 16, 2011**

I didn't go down for breakfast. I was expecting Hae to bring me food again, but I was surprised to see Park Jungsoo at my door. I bit my lip and restrained myself from speaking while he carefully placed the tray on my bedside table. I really didn't want to fight with him so early in the morning. He didn't speak until he was back at my doorstep. He crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame.

"Eat. You shouldn't starve yourself just because you don't want to see me."

I opened my mouth to argue, but I held back. He didn't look like he wanted to fight either, so I just sighed and started eating.

"Sorry about last night," I almost choked up when I heard him. Park Jungsoo was saying sorry to me? "I know I should've been calmer. Sorry about that."

I stared at him wide-eyed. It's been a while since he last apologized to me. Last time I check, he wouldn't say sorry unless he believes he really did something wrong, well, at least not to me. He had always been so courteous and humble to other people, but not to me!

I smirked. "What's up with you? What did Ryeowook-ssi serve you for breakfast that you're acting this way?" Is he finally gonna treat me like the others?

He looked so serious so I figured I shouldn't be so sarcastic for a while. "Well, my hand's okay now, so don't bother." That would be my apology. I'm not like him. I can't just throw my pride away. "Anything else?"

"I'm staying at the other dorm for a while."

I gulped. He looked dead serious. I closed my eyes for a while and took a deep breath. I thought we'd start the day fine but then he goes and heats up my head. "Why?" I tried to ask, calmly.

"Because I think we shouldn't see so much of each other for a while. We've been fighting everyday for weeks now. It's not good for both of us and neither is it for everyone else."

Geez! So he was being nice because he's going to avoid me for the next few days. Days? Would it take weeks? Months? Oh, who knows what he's thinking! Damn, Park Jungsoo! If you want to make up with me just treat me properly! Avoiding me wouldn't make me hate you less!

"You can still talk to me if you need something. I'm just trying to keep some distance. You've been very ill-tempered lately and I honestly don't like most of what you say and do. I always end up lo—"

"Fine! Go and don't show yourself up here again! And I won't need anything from you!" Aaaarggh! This man! Really! So it's my ill temper, huh? Then how come he's the only one whom I get into trouble with? If it's just me, why am I not fighting with the other members as well? How come he never considered the fact that he's been a cold hyung to me?

"Chullie-ahh, I'm doing this for both of us. Why are you getting angry again?"

"I've always been ill-tempered and you know that! If after all these years, you still can't accept that then we really do have a problem! Geez! And you call yourself a leader when you can't even understand me! You're such a—" Shit. I've done it again. I crossed the line. I bit my lip again and stared at him. He had this poker face that even my brilliant mind couldn't read through.

After Donghae-ssi left last night, I tried to figure out when Jungsoo flares up the most. I realized he's been loud and cranky over petty things but when it comes to serious stuff, he'd just keep quiet and stare at me like I'm the worst criminal on earth. I also noticed how he would just stop arguing once I go nagging about his leadership.

"Just so you know, I've tried my best to understand you. You're just too hard for me to get through." Every word of that last sentenced stabbed like a knife to me. _What is wrong with us? We weren't like this before. We used to be good friends until I got busy in my own career. But even after all the shortcomings that time, even after all the hurt and struggles, I stayed. I stayed with you guys because I wanted to. It's been a long time already so why can't we go back to how we were? I didn't stay here just to be avoided by you!_

He turned around, saying, "I don't want to argue on this. I just wanted you to know I'm moving. I don't wanna fight with you anymore." He then started walking out of my room.

"Don't move out," I said. He stopped walking. "You don't need to do that. It's no use if you'll move out. Sure we won't fight because we won't see each other, but what happens once we meet again? If you want to solve this, we have to be more patient with each other."

He took a deep breath and said, "Okay, sounds reasonable."

"But just so you know," I said firmly eventhough my hands were shaking with anger. "Next time we fight again, I'm leaving."

He suddenly turned and faced me. "What?"

I didn't answer. I just stared at him and he probably saw the determination in my eyes. He shut his eyes and slightly shook his head. He clutched his hair and then massaged his head for a while. I could tell he's really restraining himself to avoid another fight. "Fine," he said before he turned around and left.

I let myself fall back on my pillow. Was it right for me to say those things? If we fight again I'll have to leave even if I don't want to. He's right. Fighting everyday isn't doing anything good for everyone. If we can't solve this then one of us would have to leave, and that would be me because he'd be too worried if he leaves the group to me. The thing is, if we want to stop this, we have to do so when we're facing each other. It's gonna be of no use if we go on hiatus but then explode once we see each other again.

I felt disturbed the whole day. I kept on thinking whether I did the right thing or not. I didn't see Jungsoo so I thought he actually moved out. I asked Donghae-ssi but he said he hadn't seen him in the other dorm either.

"Maybe he's out with his girl," he said.

I almost forgot he had a girlfriend.

"How are they doing?"

Hae looked at me curiously. "Why are you asking?"

"Nothing. I'm just worried that our recent fights may affect his mood and personal life," I said bluntly.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" He smiled. I raised a brow. It wasn't like him to answer me like that. "What?" He flinched when he saw me staring at him. "Hyung, I just thought it's a good sign that you're worried about him. It means you care. Isn't that a good first step to solve your problems? All you have to do now is talk properly."

I hit his head lightly. "Who told you I didn't care about him? Yah Lee Donghae! Don't you know I care about everyone else just as much as he does?"

"Ohh, but you hate him, right? You often say that," he replied.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't care," I murmured, more to myself rather than to him. He smirked.

"Well, I do think he's having some difficulties right now. I'm not sure why though. Eeteuk-hyung wouldn't really tell anyone 'cause he doesn't want to worry us any more than we already are because of you guys."

My heart suddenly sank. I suddenly felt so guilty. Park Jungsoo would always help everyone. He takes care of each and every member. He listens to all their problems no matter how tired he is. He keeps watching all of us but I keep on fighting with him. I keep on stressing him out. I forgot that he didn't have anyone who would protect him. He didn't have anyone whom he could run to because everyone else runs to him for help. I sighed. "Well, I hope things go well between them," I said half-heartedly.

**March 20, 2011**

It's been five days since I last fought with Jungsoo. He didn't move out but we barely saw each other. He wouldn't speak a word whenever we ate meals together. Then he'd leave right after eating. Either he'd go out or he'd lock himself up in his room. Whenever we're in the same place, neither of us would speak. I felt distressed after a while. It was like my days are empty if I don't hear his voice so whenever I get bored, I listen to him in SuKiRa.

I went down to watch TV with the other members. He was sitting beside Shindong-ssi whom he kept on scolding because the latter wouldn't stop eating chips. I paused for a while before entering the living room. He was being his usual self, nagging the other members on what they're doing wrong. It's been a while since I last heard him speak normally. I took a deep breath and decided to go on. I sat on the other end of the couch.

"Hey, gimme some of those," I said as I reached out my hand to Shindong-ssi. He stared at me queerly.

"Whoa! Kim Heechul eating chips after dinner! That's quite unusual," he said as he handed me some. I smiled faintly as I took some.

"Naah, that smile has become more unusual than him eating chips. You had a good day, hyung?" Sungmin-ssi, who was sitting beside me took some of the chips in my hand.

I nodded slightly. "A little quiet though," I replied, taking a quick glance at Jungsoo. His eyes were fixed on the TV, although he didn't look like he was really watching. He was clenching his fist. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. He was still stressing himself so much just so we wouldn't fight. So did I do something to make him angry again?

Everybody seemed to feel the tension. Nobody spoke for a while. It was only when Shindong-ssi ran out of chips that it became noisy again.

"Aaacckk! This brand isn't really delicious!" He snorted.

Donghae-ssi laughed. "You ate all of it and you're saying it's not delicious?"

"Of course I'll eat all of it! Food is food! No matter what the taste is, it would be a waste if I didn't eat it!"

"Weh? Even if Kyuhyunnie cooked it, you'd still eat?" Hyukkie asked. Kyuhyun-ssi scowled.

"Ayy, no, no, no! That's a different case," Shindong replied almost instantly. The rest of the group cackled. I smiled but didn't laugh with them. Jungsoo barely even smiled.

"Yah Ryeowook-ssi! I'm gonna cook breakfast tomorrow!" Kyuhyun-ssi proudly announced.

"Ayyshh! You brat! Don't even come near the kitchen! If you cook breakfast, I'd just go out and eat in a fastfood!" Shindong-ssi exclaimed.

I bit my lip. I knew everyone was trying to ease the tension, but Jungsoo and I just couldn't feel comfortable at all. I stood up and said I'm going to sleep already. There was a deafening silence. I knew they were all aware of what was happening. I didn't want to ruin the happy atmosphere they had created so I stopped by the door and said, "Yah Cho Kyuhyun! If I die after breakfast tomorrow, I'm gonna hunt you until you kill yourself, okay? And I'm not gonna spare you, Ryeowook-ssi! Don't you dare let him enter the kitchen!"

Kyuhyun-ssi suddenly stood up and pointed at me rudely. "Yah! You'll regret it if you don't eat my cooking!" He smirked. I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling, but I guess everyone saw it already. They all smiled at me before I left, all except Jungsoo. All he had was a blank expression on his face. Well at least he didn't look tensed anymore.

I sighed as I lied on my bed. If we go on like this, I guess things will be all right. NOT.

**Leeteuk's March 16, 2011**

Chullie didn't go down for breakfast. I figured he wasn't in the mood to see me. Donghae-ssi decided to go and bring him breakfast but I thought it was a good time for the two of us to talk.

"Eat. You shouldn't starve yourself just because you don't want to see me."

He opened his mouth, probably intending to answer back, but then he closed it again, and just turned to eat the food I brought.

"Sorry about last night," I said. He gulped. I sure did surprise him. When was the last time we talked like this? I couldn't even remember. "I know I should've been calmer. Sorry about that."

"What's up with you? What did Ryeowook-ssi serve you for breakfast that you're acting this way?" I stared at him. He looked like he wasn't really looking for a fight so he dropped the sarcasm off. "Well, my hand's okay now, so don't bother." I guess that's his way of apologizing. Kim Heechul would never say sorry, I know that much. But I also know he wasn't exactly happy about what's happening between us. "Anything else?"

"I'm staying at the other dorm for a while," I said.

He gulped and stared at me. Shock was written all over his face. "Why?"

"Because I think we shouldn't see so much of each other for a while. We've been fighting everyday for weeks now. It's not good for both of us and neither is it for everyone else. You can still talk to me if you need something. I'm just trying to keep some distance. You've been very ill-tempered lately and I honestly don't like most of what you say and do. I always end up lo—"

"Fine!" I could feel his temper rising again that he didn't even bother to let me finish. _I always end up losing control and I really don't know what to do about that. If I go on like this, we'd end up fighting every minute of everyday._

"Go and don't show yourself up here again! And I won't need anything from you!"

"Chullie-ahh, I'm doing this for both of us. Why are you getting angry again?"

"I've always been ill-tempered and you know that! If after all these years, you still can't accept that then we really do have a problem! Geez! And you call yourself a leader when you can't even understand me! You're such a—" He stopped and looked away. He probably knew by the way my eyes narrowed and my lips tightened that what he said was provoking another fight.

"Just so you know, I've tried my best to understand you. You're just too hard for me to get through." I knew if I stayed longer , we would end up fighting again, so I turned around and started walking away. "I don't want to argue on this. I just wanted you to know I'm moving. I don't wanna fight with you anymore."

"Don't move out," he said. I froze. I didn't expect him to stop me from moving out. "You don't need to do that. It's no use if you'll move out. Sure we won't fight because we won't see each other, but what happens once we meet again? If you want to solve this, we have to be more patient with each other."

"Okay, sounds reasonable." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It would be difficult, but he had a point.

"But just so you know," he said. "Next time we fight again, I'm leaving."

My eyes widened as I turned around to face him. "What?" He's leaving? Again? My heart raced as I all the things that happened in the past flashed through my mind. The last time we talked this serious was when he and Lee So Man-sunbaenim decided he would leave Super Junior. We fought almost everyday, just like how we are now. He also had problem with the other members so he left the dorm and got his own apartment. After Eunhyuk-ssi told him we left a spot for him in Sorry Sorry, he changed his mind and decided to go back. When I talked to him, I apologized for not understanding him. I knew each member had their own lives and the world does not revolve around Super Junior. It was a heartbreaking reality but the fact that he decided to stay meant that even if he had his own life, he couldn't let go of the group. Although he never apologized, I was really grateful that he stayed.

It was because of him that I realized I shouldn't attach myself too much with the other members. They are my family. I love all of them, but the fact remains that time will come for Super Junior to disband. When that time comes, I'm sure I'll be the one who would cry the most, even more than Hyukkie or Hae. But if that happens, if they see their leader crying like an abandoned child, they would hurt more. I didn't want that to happen so I tried to distance myself a bit from them.

When Hankyung-ssi left, however, I felt so much loss. He had his own reasons to leave and I didn't hate him for that. I hated myself for not spending as much time with him as I could. I then decided to grab every opportunity to be with the members. Even if I get too attached, even if I know I would cry in the end, I would not regret anything. I will never regret having been part of this group and I will do everything I can to make Super Junior stay alive for as long as I could.

The problem was, by that time, Heechul-ssi and I have already grown far apart. Anything he says would stab like a knife. Even if I knew he's never really serious about anything, his cocky attitude has begun to get into my sensitive side. I didn't really mind at first, but as time passed by, my patience has run short. No matter how hard I try to shrug things off, they keep happening again and again. And here we are now, at the very same point where we had been before.

"Fine," I said as I hurriedly walked out of the room. I regretted having said nothing against it, but I knew even if I tried to argue, nothing good will come out. I decided to spend the rest of my free time outside, thinking of what to do. I didn't want him to leave. I have to find a way to stop us from having these pointless clashes.

I ate lunch with my girlfriend. She noticed I was spacing out a lot.

"Lemme guess, you fought with Heechul-ssi again?"

I sighed. "Nope, at least not today. He said he's leaving if we fight again."

Her eyes widened as she stopped drinking. "What? What did you say?" I didn't answer. Instead, I just looked down on my plate. She hissed. "Aayyyssh! Don't tell me you didn't argue? Do you realize what that means? You know Kim Heechul! He does what he says! Is it really okay to you if he leaves?"

"No, of course not! I don't want him to leave!" I answered instantly. She stared at me, her mouth slightly open. She then looked down and bit her lower lip.

"Then stop it. Park Jungsoo, you have to figure things out immediately. Otherwise you'll lose everything." She kissed my cheek and left. I stared after her. I couldn't help but feel like I did something to hurt her.

**March 20, 2011**

After the 16th, I tried to avoid Heenim as much as I could. I kept our contact to each other as minimal as possible. I was aware that it wasn't the right thing to do and my girlfriend said so too. She said if I really wanted to solve things, I should just talk properly to Heenim, but I was too afraid that we'd fight again once we talk. It was quite disturbing though. It was like I'm not used to not fighting with him anymore. I somehow missed our petty arguments, but then I thought it's better not to have them anymore rather than have him leave us.

I was watching TV with the other members, scolding Shindong-ssi because he wouldn't stop eating chips. "Aside from the fact that's it's not good for your health, you also have to think of your figure. We're gonna have our fifth jib soon, you know!"

"Hey, gimme some of those," Heenim suddenly entered the living room and sat on the other end of the couch. It was the first time we watched TV together after 5 days. I felt really awkward. I was just scolding Shindong-ssi but I shut my mouth tight the moment Heenim appeared..

"Whoa! Kim Heechul eating chips after dinner! That's quite unusual," Shindong-ssi exclaimed.

"Naah, that smile has become more unusual than him eating chips. You had a good day, hyung?" Sungmin-ssi, smiled gently at him.

"A little quiet though," I had a feeling he was referring to our fights. I fixed my gaze on the TV but I couldn't really understand a single thing from what we were watching nor from what was happening around me. I was too busy telling myself not to say anything stupid that may anger Heenim again. _You don't want him to leave. You can't make him leave._ I felt Shindong-ssi stare at me. He then sighed and crumpled the empty pack.

"Aaacckk! This brand isn't really delicious!" Shindong-ssi suddenly snorted.

"You ate all of it and you're saying it's not delicious?"

"Of course I'll eat all of it! Food is food! No matter what the taste is, it would be a waste if I didn't eat it!"

"Weh? Even if Kyuhyunnie cooked it, you'd still eat?"

Kyuhyun-ssi grunted while the others laughed. It was only then that I realized how much everyone was trying to ease the tension, especially Shindong-ssi.

"Ayy, no, no, no! That's a different case," Shindong replied. I saw Heenim smile. I felt my face loosen up a bit. It's been a while since I saw him smile. I was quite relieved.

"Yah Ryeowook-ssi! I'm gonna cook breakfast tomorrow!" Kyuhyun-ssi said, smirking.

"Ayyshh! You brat! Don't even come near the kitchen! If you cook breakfast, I'd just go out and eat in a fastfood!" Shindong-ssi almost stood up and jumped on him.

I glanced at Heenim again. He seemed to be as uncomfortable as I was, although he was doing a better job at getting along with the flow. That's why I was surprised when he suddenly stood up and said he was leaving. Everyone felt the tension rising, but Heenim succeeded in putting them all at ease again.

"Yah Cho Kyuhyun! If I die after breakfast tomorrow, I'm gonna hunt you until you kill yourself, okay? And I'm not gonna spare you, Ryeowook-ssi! Don't you dare let him enter the kitchen!" He smirked as he stopped by the door. Kyuhyun-ssi stood up and gave out the same evil smirk that he probably got from his evil hyung.

"Yah! You'll regret it if you don't eat my cooking!"

Heenim smiled. It was a genuine smile, not forced or weak or evil. He was truly smiling, although he bit his lip to conceal it, but I knew he felt really at ease that time. I was half-glad and half-depressed. I was glad that I could see him smile like that again, and I knew that he's really happy when he's with the members. But then I was quite upset that he couldn't do that when he's with me. I wish I could also make him smile like that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Heechul's March 21, 2011**

I didn't see Jungsoo all day. I knew it was weird, but I had this stupid desire to see him. I wanted to know if we would last even for an hour if we tried to spend a day together. It seemed like he was busy with work though. He was gone when I woke up and he still wasn't there when I came home from Young Street.

I then decided to just surf the internet. While reposting the photos of my favourite cartoonized steamed bun, I came across Jungsoo's tweet. _Our door is always open, there is always an empty seat left for you. It'd be nice if you told the truth. We've never let go of your hand, I don't want to be sad because of lies anymore. We're Super Junior! I wish you happiness._

What the hell was that about? After searching for a bit, I found out it was his response to Hankyung-ssi's interview. I flared up when I read about his response. I immediately grabbed my phone and called him. If I was in China or if he was in Korea, I'm sure I could've punched him hard.

"Heenim-hyung? It's been a while! How have you been?" I was quite surprised when I heard his cheerful voice.

"How can you be so cheerful? Don't you feel even a bit guilty, huh?"

"Uhh? What do you mean?" He paused for a while. "Aahh? Are you angry because I didn't call you after you got hit during the concert, hyung? I'm sorry, I didn't know."

I scowled. "Then why did you say we avoided your calls when you didn't even call us? Do you know how bad Jungsoo feels?"

He answered in Chinese. I didn't understand a thing he said but I could tell he was just as confused as I was. He would always unconsciously shift to his first language when he's emotional. "Geng, you're speaking Mandarin, I don't understand," I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Ayyyssshh! Hyung, then I guess that's the problem! We can't understand each other anymore. I didn't say anything like that. Where did you get that trash?"

"You didn't?" I then realized he must have been misinterpreted. "Han Geng! Are you sure you didn't say that?" I have cooled down a bit. After finding out the truth, I knew I should talk to Jungsoo right away.

"I really didn't. All I said was that I haven't heard about the incident and I'll try to call you to ask if you're okay, but then you called me first. What happened to Eeteuk-hyung? Is he angry?" He sounded so worried over the phone. Well, I guess it was my turn to act a bit more mature and handle this issue.

"No. He isn't, but he doesn't know the truth yet, so I guess he's a bit down. I'll talk to him for you." I heard him sigh heavily. I knew just from his voice that he was very sad and disappointed. I had to reassure him. If I just let things like this, the gap between him and Super Junior will surely grow.

"Eeteuk says the door's open," I said, trying to make him feel better. "And just as you left a spot for me before, you still have one here."

I didn't know how, but I somehow knew he was also smiling at the other end of the line. "Thank you, hyung. I love you. Tell Eeteuk-hyung I'm sorry and I miss everyone." ~~~

I knocked on Jungsoo's door as soon as I heard he's home already. He didn't answer so I just opened the door slowly and looked around the room. He was sitting on his bed, his face buried in his hands. I decided to enter and closed the door behind me.

"Hey," I said. I had the guts to face him but I didn't really know what to say. "You... You shouldn't have said that."

"Chullie-ahh, not tonight, please." He said, not even raising his head to look at me. I licked my lips and prepared myself to talk, but then he cut me off even before I spoke. "Please, just leave me alone tonight."

It was very clear that he didn't want to talk to me, but I just couldn't leave. "Look, I didn't come here to fight. You just have to listen." I started talking as fast as I could. I was afraid he'd throw me out before I could tell him the truth.

"Yah Kim Heechul!" I flinched as his voice boomed through the whole room. He raised his head a little, enough to let me see his eyes. I thought the Park Jungsoo I know would've been crying because of depression but the Jungsoo in front of me had dry eyes, which looked at me sharply. "If you don't get away from me right now, it's not just this room that you're gonna have to leave, do you understand that?" His voice was loud, although he was still trying to stay calm. His stares were piercing.

I gasped. It was the first time that I ever felt scared of Park Jungsoo. At first I thought of leaving, but then I realized he was being like that because he didn't know the truth."It wasn't true."I swallowed before continuing, "Geng didn't say those things. His words were not translated correctly." I waited for him to reply but he didn't. "Yah, Park Jungsoo! Didn't you hear what I—"

"Is that all?"

I froze. Surely, I couldn't have been facing Park Jungsoo. It was a different person. "What do you mean_?_ You heard me, right? You received the wrong information." Silence. Neither of us spoke for a while. He seemed like he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't know what else to say. He finally stood up, placed his hands inside his pocket and spoke. He had this intimidating air around him. "Well that's a surprise. Aren't you gonna tell me I'm a stupid leader? Irresponsible and selfish?"

My mouth fell open. My heart sank. I then realized how much I've been hurting him whenever I say those things to him. "Jungsoo-ssi, don't be like this. I know you were just hurt by what you heard, but it wasn't true so don't be like this anymore. No matter how many times I told you you're stupid and selfish, you know I never meant it, right? You're a good leader and you did a good job to keep this group together."

"Oh, please! You're just saying that now. You're well aware I'm such a failure. You almost left us on the third jib. Kibummie chose his acting career and Hangkyung-ssi left. Even if his interview was just mistranslated, don't you think I was so stupid to react right away? I didn't even try to ask him if it was true. Don't you think I should've thought carefully first? I should've seen through the media's motive in releasing false information." His voice started to become shaky. I felt even guiltier. If only I had helped him shoulder everything, he wouldn't have accumulated this much pain. I had always wanted to share his load, but I never knew how to talk him out of it. Park Jungsoo is a very warm-hearted person and I'm his exact opposite. Whenever I try to stay by his side, we would just clash and instead of helping, I would only end up giving him more problems to fix.

I shook my head vigorously. "It wasn't your fault! You know you didn't do anything wrong. C'mon, Park Jungsoo! You're way better than this! You're stronger than anyone else here, don't—"

"WELL MAYBE I'M TIRED OF BEING STRONG!" He suddenly shouted. A tear escaped his eye, which he quickly wiped with the back of his hand. "Maybe I'm tired of trying to protect this group. Maybe I'm tired of trying to be a good leader and hyung! Maybe I'm just tired of everything!" He was breathing heavily, which told me he had been keeping a lot in his heart.

"You don't know what you're saying," I said. It was heartbreaking to see him like that.

"Well do you? How would you know? Can you tell me now that you understand how I feel? Can you tell me honestly that you never got tired of being with me? Well I'm telling you now, I'm tired of trying to understand you." Another tear fell from his eye but he didn't wipe it right away. He just let it run down his cheek. He took a deep breath before he continued, "I'm tired... of trying to get along with you!"

My vision started to blur. I knew I was just a few seconds away from crying. "Then why don't you just stop?" For the first time that night, I didn't care if he was hurt or depressed. I didn't care if he knew what he was saying. I didn't care if I'd make him angrier nor if I would have to leave because of this. All I cared about was the stinging pain in my chest and how much I wanted to hit him. I grabbed the nearest thing I could get, which was a stack of music sheets from the table, and threw it to his face as I shouted "WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKIN' STOP?"

I then ran out of his room and in to my own. Before I knew it, I was already sitting on the floor. I didn't even get an inch away from the door, unable to walk towards my bed.

_Don't cry, Kim Heechul. Don't fuckin' cry! You are not gonna cry because of this! Dammit! Why are you cryng?_

I took a deep breath, hoping the tears would go back into my body the way air goes into my lungs. They wouldn't. I had to bite my right hand to muffle the sounds of my sobbing. I wiped my tears away as soon as they escape my eyes.

_Fuck you, Park Jungsoo! I know I hadn't been the best member or anything close to that, but how can you say something like that?_

My phone then started ringing. My hand was shaking as I reached for my pocket. My phone slipped and fell on the floor. I didn't plan on answering it. I just wanted to cancel the call, but then I saw Hankyung-ssi's name on the screen. I immediately picked it up and pressed the answer key. My free hand was pressed hard against my mouth to hide my sobs from him.

"Hyung, I know you're not okay. Just call me if you're ready to talk, okay? I love you." I didn't give a fuck about how he found out I wasn't okay. All I knew was that I wanted to see him and hug him tight. Of all people, I knew he was the one who understands me most.

"Hankyung-ssi," I said, not caring about how shaky my voice was anymore. "Are you free tomorrow?"

"I... I have work in the afternoon, but my morning's free.

"I'll see you in the morning then," I said as I quickly wiped another tear from my eye.

"What? How—" I hung up before he could ask more questions. I dropped the phone lazily on the floor and leaned my head against the door for a while. A few more deep breaths and my tears had stopped falling.

C'mon Kim Heechul. Get up there. It's your turn to be the strong one.

**Leeteuk's March 21, 2011**

I was surfing the internet on my phone when I was on my way home. I was surprised to see a lot of harsh comments in our fan sites. It turned out Hankyung-ssi said in an interview that we had been avoiding his calls and fans were really disappointed in us. "Oppas, why ignore his calls?" "You already let him leave, why do you need to be harsh on him? He's only worried about you guys." "Don't you love Hankyung-oppa anymore?"

I already had a crack in my heart because of what was happening between Heenim and me, but the news about Hankyung-ssi's interview really broke my heart.

After he filed the lawsuit, he kept in touch with us, calling us once in a while, and I thought everything was alright between us. We haven't heard from him since last month! Why did he have to say those things?

I sighed. At times like this, I should be calm and composed. I must be wise and not do anything irrational, but my chest was swelling with sadness. I wished I could be carefree like Chullie-ahh who can say whatever he wants to say. Kim Heechul, another member who might leave us like what Hankyung-ssi did, another knife that stabbed my heart.

Kyuhyun-ssi almost died in an accident. Only Thirteen chants were shouted loudly during concerts. Heenim came drunk to rehearsals after he decided to leave. Kibummie asked my permission to let him take a leave for a while. Kangin-ssi was involved in an accident and was forced to be on hiatus. Hankyung-ssi filed a lawsuit. _How long can you last, Park Jungsoo?_

I suddenly woke up in the back seat of the car. Manager-hyung looked at me through the rear view mirror and asked if I was okay. I nodded my head, but didn't answer. Apparently, I fell asleep while we were on our way back to the dorm. I looked at my watch. It had only been a thirty minute-nap but I felt like all the past five years' shenanigans happened again in a flash. _I was tired._

I knew it was wrong for me to post such a response. I didn't even try to contact Hankyung-ssi to confirm the news. It was just that, _just for once_, I wanted to express what I really feel inside. _Just for once._

_Our door is always open, there is always an empty seat left for you. It'd be nice if you told the truth. We've never let go of your hand, I don't want to be sad because of lies anymore. We're Super Junior! I wish you happiness._

"You seem really tired. Go up to your dorm and take a good rest," manager-hyung patted my back as I quickly hid my phone away from his view. I'd face the consequences of my tweet when the management finds out, but as of the moment, I just wanted to take some chips off my shoulder._And heart.~~~_

I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Manager-hyung was right when he said I should rest. I was not just tired from work, I was also tired from emotional stress and all that happened since the Shanghai concert were keeping me away from having a good sleep. I massaged my head and then buried my face in my hands, closing my eyes as I did so. _Enough of this already, Park Jungsoo._

I didn't bother to answer or to open the door when someone knocked. I thought it was just Shindong-ssi or Donghae-ssi calling me out for dinner. "Hey," I was surprised to hear Heenim's voice, but I didn't raise my head. I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't want to see him or because I didn't want him to see me like that. "You... You shouldn't have said that," he said hesitantly.

My heart broke into more pieces. Chullie and Hankyung-ssi were bestfriends. They naturally understand each other more than anyone else could; more than I ever could. My fear that Chullie would do what Hankyung-ssi did was becoming bigger and bigger.

"Chullie-ahh, not tonight, please." I was very certain that if we talked about Hankyung-ssi, I'll lose control again. It wasn't because I was angry. It was just that I knew I hadn't been emotionally stable for the past few days. "Please, just leave me alone tonight." I cannot let things go out of hand more than they already are.

"Look, I didn't come here to fight. You just have to listen."

"Yah Kim Heechul!" I suddenly looked up. I didn't want to shout but I had to let him see that I was really serious. Once my remaining sanity runs out, I'll surely make him leave. I don't want him to leave. I just want him here with us. "If you don't get away from me right now, it's not just this room you're gonna have to leave, do you understand that?"

He turned around and was about to leave, but then he stopped and faced me again. "It wasn't true," he said."Geng didn't say those things. His words were not translated correctly." I didn't respond. I felt like I was being eaten by the ground. Why was I so stupid to believe what I read? Why did I let myself put the group into a more awkward situation? Shit. Some of the media men probably thought it would be a good issue to feed on. Damn! I was so careful in choosing the words I posted but it turned out I shouldn't have responded at all. I should have trusted Hankyung-ssi more. I should've known he wouldn't say anything like that to hurt us. Heenim's right all along. I was a stupid leader. And I hate myself for that. I kept on saying that everything I do is for Super Junior, but Heenim was right when he said I was selfish.

I was only thinking about myself. All I thought about was how Heenim's words cut through me, so I always fight with him. I only thought of making him stay because I'd be hurt if he leaves. I didn't think of how the others would feel. I didn't think about how Heenim would feel.

"Yah, Park Jungsoo! Didn't you hear what I—"

I then realized there was something different in him. He wouldn't say the things that I expected him to say.

"Well that's a surprise. Aren't you gonna tell me I'm a stupid leader? Irresponsible and selfish?"

He tried to coax me out of it, saying things that are quite the opposite of what he usually says. "Jungsoo-ssi, don't be like this. No matter how many times I told you you're stupid and selfish, you know I never meant it, right? You're a good leader and you did a good job to keep this group together."

I knew he was just saying that. Ever since he entered my room, he hadn't shown any sign of rudeness. He was talking as if he was really worried about me, as if he really cared for a stupid man like me. He wasn't like Kim Heechul at all, at least not the one who had been with me for the past few weeks. I knew right then and there that he took pity on me. He probably knew I was feeling so messed up so instead of lecturing me about how selfish my act was, he was trying to be nice.

"You're just saying that now. You're well aware I'm such a failure! You almost left us on the third jib. Kibummie chose his acting career and Hangkyung-ssi left. Even if his interview was just mistranslated, don't you think I was so stupid to react right away? I didn't even try to ask him if it was true. Don't you think I should've thought carefully first? I should've seen through the media's motive in releasing false information."

"It wasn't your fault! You know you didn't do anything wrong. C'mon, Park Jungsoo! You're way better than this! You're stronger than anyone else here, don't—"

"WELL MAYBE I'M TIRED OF BEING STRONG!" I lost it. The pain in my chest overtook all of me and I couldn't stop myself from shouting out everything I've been keeping inside. "Maybe I'm tired of trying to protect this group. Maybe I'm tired of trying to be a good leader and hyung! Maybe I'm just tired of everything." I suddenly felt something cold on my cheek. I quickly wiped it away as I knew it would only make Heenim take more pity on me.

"You don't know what you're saying," he said, his eyes full of sympathy.

"Well do you? How would you know? Can you tell me now that you understand how I feel? Can you tell me honestly that you never got tired of being with me? Well I'm telling you now, I'm tired of trying to understand you." Another tear escaped my eye, but I didn't have the strength to wipe it away. Of all the things I said that night, it was the one the hurt me most. "I'm tired of trying to get along with you!"

Heenim's lips started to shake. "Then why don't you just stop?" He grabbed the music sheets on the nearby table and threw it at me. I closed my eyes as the papers hit my face. I wished I could also close my ears and close my heart so I wouldn't feel his anger as he shouted, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKIN' STOP?" I didn't open my eyes until he was out of my room, leaving me standing there alone, the music sheets scattered on the floor.

It was the moment for me to regret what I did, not because of the things I said but because of what I didn't. I regretted not telling him that I was indeed tired, but it didn't mean I wanted to stop. If I only had a choice... If I had another choice of getting away from all of this, I would still choose to stay... Because no matter how tiring it is, no matter how much pain I feel because of it, I can't leave my family. I simply cannot imagine how my life would be without Super Junior. It wouldn't be my life at all.

I then realized that my tears hadn't stopped falling since Heenim left. He left. Will he really do what he said?

Before I knew it, I was already dialling Hankyung-ssi's number on my phone. He picked it up immediately.

"Hyung! Eeteuk-hyung! I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't know they misunderstood what I said. I'm really sorry," he said in one breath. I felt how worried he was, and I realized how awful I had been to him.

"No," I said, my voice shaking from so much crying. "I should be the one to apologize."

"Hyung, are you crying? What happened? Did Heechul-hyung talk to you already?"

"Yeah, we talked. And I'm afraid I did something terrible, Hankyung-ssi. I pushed him away," I closed my eyes again, hoping that the tears would stop falling. "I'm sorry, Hankyung-ssi. I've been a terrible hyung to you, and I don't have a right to ask you this, but please... Please help Heenim. I know I've really hurt him. And if he ever leaves our side, please take care of him." I didn't want to worry him so much, but he was the only person I could think of. No one can make Heenim feel better other than his bestfriend.

"Don't say that, hyung. You're a really good brother to me, and to everyone else. I'm sure Heechul-hyung would understand. I'm sure you guys are gonna figure it out. Maybe you just need some time. Don't worry, I'll do what I can to help you guys."

"Thank you, Hankyung-ssi. I love you."


End file.
